


Mail from the Ladies

by rosemarygreen



Category: Kraftwerk - Fandom
Genre: Bugs & Insects, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, Letters, Sketches, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 08:19:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7750297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosemarygreen/pseuds/rosemarygreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kraftwerk reading fan mail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mail from the Ladies

**Author's Note:**

> It’s a well-known fact that letters the fans sent to Kraftwerk were left unanswered. However, when the letters were from girls, they obviously made exceptions sometimes. This silly sketch was inspired by posts about that in the Antenna mailing list.*

_Location: Kling Klang Studios. Mid-1979. 18.30 pm._

FLORIAN: Good evening, everybody. Late today.

RALF: Good evening, Florian. Long time no see. Where have you been?

FLORIAN: Post office.

RALF: (interested) Did you pick up my new bicycle catalogue?

FLORIAN: No. My new speech synthesizers catalogue hasn’t arrived yet, either. But they’ve given me _this_. (shows them a bundle of letters tied with a rope.)

RALF: What’s that?

FLORIAN: Mail from fans, as usual.

RALF: (bored) All right, who’s writing again?

FLORIAN: (scans the envelopes) … Simon and Nick from London… Arthur from New York… Ian and Martyn from Sheffield… Andy from Liverpool… Mark and Jerry from Ohio… Gary from London… Derrick from Detroit… Bernard from Manchester… Vince from Basildon… where’s that?.. a 9-year-old boy Richie H. from Canada… Michael J. from the USA…

RALF: No letters from girls, as usual?

FLORIAN: No.

RALF: (exasperated) Are we so unattractive, Florian? Why do only guys write to us? We’ve even hired two very good-looking drummers but still get no girl mail at all. (looks reproachfully at Wolfgang.)

WOLFGANG: Ralf, it’s not because Karl and me lack megawatt charms, it’s because you only write songs about cars, robots and computers. Girls like songs about emotions and feelings.

RALF: Do they? I thought we were living in the feminist 20th century.

WOLFGANG: You’re being ahead of your time, as usual.

RALF: I don’t understand… We wrote a couple of songs about girly things – fashion, dolls, mirrors.

WOLFGANG: You mean, about violent life-size dummies that come alive at night and looking glass panic rooms?

RALF: So, what do we do? The last time we played, I didn’t see any girls in the audience.

FLORIAN: I spotted one hot blonde in the tenth row.

WOLFGANG: If you looked at the people and not at your keyboard all the time, you’d have noticed it was a bloke with long hair.

RALF: A long-haired guy? At a Kraftwerk concert?

WOLFGANG: By the way, girls like long-haired guys, Ralf. Why don’t you grow your hair long again?

RALF: Next thing you’ll say girls like guys in torn and worn jeans. We’re not going Pink Floyd all over again. Plus, with short hair we’re saving more D-Marks on hair care products to buy more gear.

WOLFGANG: Well, then at least you could move a bit more on stage. Girls like it when musicians dance.

RALF: (sceptical) You suggest I _dance_ in front of an all-male audience?

WOLFGANG: That’s why they say we look so cold and distant.

RALF: We’re from Northern Germany – of course we are.

FLORIAN: We’ve been fairly androgynous recently, why look even gayer?

WOLFGANG: I told you it was a bad idea to put on lipstick and strike model poses. By the way, girls like guys with guitars, too.

RALF & FLORIAN: NO.

WOLFGANG: (shrugs shoulders.)

RALF: Well, let’s have a look at this male mail. (picks up a random envelope) … A letter from R. Görl.

FLORIAN: A girl?

RALF: A boy. He asks about the type of the truck that drove past our car at 11:08 in “Autobahn”.

FLORIAN: Tell him it was a DAF.

RALF: A Minimoog, in fact. Discard.

FLORIAN: “ _Tunes_ are very good for sore throats”.

RALF: Loonies. It’s a vocoder. Discard.

FLORIAN: A power plant from Cologne is planning to sue us for copyright infringement.

RALF: We should call our lawyer.

WOLFGANG: We’re giving them advertising for free!

FLORIAN: This one’s by an electronic band from Latvia.

RALF: Let me see. “… but you’re singing the word “sluga” wrong – the stress should be on the second syllable”. Yes, I _know_ , but it didn’t fit the rhythm.

FLORIAN: Discard.

RALF: “I played Morse signals on “Radio-Activity” backwards. It says _rock’n’roll is dead_.”

FLORIAN: An interesting side effect of using an American synthesizer.

RALF: Discard.

FLORIAN: Here’s an old bill for a broken shop window.

WOLFGANG: (disbelieving) Guys, were you _drunk_?

RALF: It was a crash test for “Showroom Dummies”, Wolfgang, remember?

WOLFGANG: Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to use champagne glasses?

RALF: Authenticity is everything.

FLORIAN: Discard?

RALF: Pay.

FLORIAN: “I’m your biggest fan. I met my future wife in a record store. She was buying your LP…”

RALF: Never thought we’d be matchmakers.**

FLORIAN: _Shred_ …

RALF: And discard.

WOLFGANG: (agitated) Look, here’s a bunch of letters from big firms! A Japanese company wants us to write their corporate anthem.

RALF: Why don’t they use “The Robots”?

FLORIAN: Discard.

WOLFGANG: So does Volkswagen…

RALF: “Autobahn”.

FLORIAN: Discard.

WOLFGANG: … and IBM.

RALF: I’d rather write a new album.

FLORIAN: Discard all.

WOLFGANG: Look, must be a female letter.

RALF: (avid) Aha, finally. Did she enclose a photo?

WOLFGANG: “Hello boys my name is Annie. I study engineering at a technical college in London and work in an electronics repair shop. My hobby is computer programming and assembling electronic musical instruments. Me and my friends have just started an all-girls synth band. I heard many of your machines get broken when you play live. Could you give me one of your old lovely disused synths so that I can fix it?”

RALF: Oh no…

WOLFGANG: Wait, there’s a close-up picture of her home-built synthesizer. In colour. Full frontal. With a lipstick print and a little drum machine by its side.

RALF: Magnet.

FLORIAN: Fridge door.

RALF & FLORIAN: (sigh.)

WOLFGANG: I have an idea. Why don’t you guys write a song about love between men and machines?

RALF: (ironic) Like what? My Fairlight lady? Dear Atari, I love thee? My drum pad, I want you so bad? (sulks.)

_Suddenly a LADYBIRD flies into an open window and lands on the mixing board._

WOLFGANG: (pointing at the insect) Look, Ralf, there’s a fan girl for you.

RALF: Why, of all things?

WOLFGANG: Don’t you see? She’s wearing Kraftwerk colours!

RALF: I thought they were all the Beatles fans.

_The ladybird lands on a microphone._

LADYBIRD: BUZZZZZZ-BUZZZZZZZZ-BUZZZZZZZZZ

WOLFGANG: They bring luck, I heard. Make a wish.

RALF: Shh… Florian, please pass me the Dictaphone. That’s the drone sound I’ve been looking for and couldn’t get out of our synths.

WOLFGANG: Beware, Greenpeace will be after you.

RALF: (paying no attention to them) Don’t you fly away. With some echoes and reverb…

FLORIAN (nods sagely): Music is his girlfriend.

**Author's Note:**

> * For example: http://www.activerecord.com/pipermail/kraftwerk/2005-January/027391.html _or_  
>  http://www.activerecord.com/pipermail/kraftwerk/2004-November/027037.html  
> (“Mail from the ladies is welcome” was a phrase used in one of these posts).
> 
> ** This is what happened in real life to the American electro and hip hop artist Egyptian Lover:  
> http://www.thevinylfactory.com/vinyl-factory-releases/kraftwerk-changed-my-life-20-artists-pick-their-favourite-kraftwerk-records-of-all-time/2/
> 
> Of course, girls do attend Kraftwerk concerts and listen to their music but there’s no denying their fanbase mostly consists of men.


End file.
